Kira Cockroach
by Moro-moro
Summary: Ryuuzaki... You're not afraid of Kira... but you're afraid of bugs? I'd have never imagined. CRACK


**_A/N:_** Inappropriate way to use the Death Note number 1. Good thing it was Misa's… I think I'll write the bug scene from Whammy's that Watari mentioned, just for fun. Anyway, introduction to this story: I love my friend Draven. She gives me loads of fanfiction ideas; she's just so freakishly insane (I mean that in a good way, Drae) that I can't help but to insert her, in some way, in all of my stories. Why am I saying this? Well, because this was based on a conversation she had with herself while she was on the phone with me. Apparently the friend she was staying with had cockroaches that were big enough to be kept as pets. She started screaming about them in the middle of a conversation on L… and then I put it to his germaphobia, so, hey… We got a story. A CRACK story. But it holds an interesting series idea: "Things That L Doesn't Want People To Know"…

(Self pimpage here, but I've got a non-crack Death Note story coming out soon called "Double Cross". It's epic. Read it. Draven's co-writing it with me.)

* * *

"**Kira" Cockroach**

Everyone knew that L had designed headquarters to be impossible to get into—Aizawa knew that personally. A person couldn't get into the high-rise without multiple scans, from blood type to retinas. And after that, you had to have a personal invitation from L himself. This pretty much made unwelcome guests… well, pretty much unwelcome and obsolete. Unfortunately for the task force, this only applied to humans.

It started out as a normal day; Light was the first down, followed by the one-by-one entrances by the commuters. Then, after a few minutes of small talk—mostly from the ever-talkative Matsuda— the investigation would ensue.

"Just go over this again, shinigami," L said, staring up at Rem. "When someone gives up the notebook, they loose their memories of it completely."

"Correct," Rem said solidly.

Light looked away, bored. This was the fourth time Ryuuzaki had 'gone over' things with Rem, and the detective hadn't pulled out anything interesting out of it so far. In fact the entire day had been boring from the start… Little did he know that things were about to get _very_ interesting.

"Would a person be able to regain…" L trailed off in the middle of his sentence, and everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at the detective.

Ryuuzaki's eyes had gone wider than normal, and he was staring at a fixed point on the floor.

"What is it, Ryuuzaki?" Light inquired, leaning forward.

The older man raised his hand, pointing to whatever he had been staring at; "That cockroach is big enough to put a collar around it and call it 'Fido'," he said faintly.

Light and the other members of the task force looked curiously at the aforementioned roach. The shiny black bug sat near the corner of the large lobby surveillance room, barely moving. It was one-and-a-half to two inches long.

"Aw, it's not _that_ big," Matsuda said reassuringly. "There were some type of beetle things in my apartment when I moved in that were _way_ bigger. It'll just sit there if we leave it alone."

The roach seemed to notice all the attention it was getting and began to scuttle forward, towards L.

The seemingly stoic detective gave a yelp of surprise and jumped atop his chair, wobbling dangerously. "Stupid Matsuda! Sit there?! It's practically charging!"

Light blinked; he'd never seen Ryuuzaki move that fast, not even during their tennis match—it was rather hilarious to watch. Choking back snickers, like the rest of the team (except for Matsuda, who was sulking), he braved to ask the question that was on everyone's minds:

"Are you… afraid of bugs… Ryuuzaki?"

"I am not!" L admonished, throwing empty creamer packets at the roach, which dodged all of them. "Oh, dear _god_, it can read minds! What is it?! An experiment gone horribly wrong? WATARI!"

A 'W' blinked onto the screen, but L was too preoccupied with throwing things at the roach to notice, and everyone else was preoccupied with staring at L to notice either.

Finally, Light burst out into laughter; "Why… don't… you just… k-kill it?!"

"What a wonderful idea! Matsuda-san! Get it!"

Matsuda blinked, pointing to himself, "Me?" he queried, "Why me?"

"Because cockroaches are riddled with germs and nasty things! Make sure it's dead too, because those little buggers can live for a month without their head!" Ryuuzaki snapped, shuddering openly at the idea of a germ-riddled, headless, large cockroach wandering around at night. "Hurry before it gets into our things!"

"I'm more of a nonviolent guy, Ryuuzaki," Matsuda mumbled, backing away as he shook his head.

L groaned, shaking his head, "Just get it, somebody!"

There was no movement to kill the large roach, and it continued to scuttle around the tile floor. Everyone was far too preoccupied with watching L make a fool of himself over a roach to actually worry about killing the thing. In fact, Light actually wanted to keep the thing; it proved rather amusing.

"EVERYONE!" L bellowed, using the same tone of voice he had used during the capture of Higuchi; "That roach is _Kira_! Kill it now before it gets to us!"

Everyone dissolved into helpless sniggers, even Soichiro, who had managed to keep a semi-straight face until this point.

"Kill it before it breeds and we have baby Kira cockroaches!" L picked up a spoon and threw it at the cockroach.

It missed, but then the roach crawled on top of it, and snuggled into the dip of the spoon. L gave a groan of disgust; "Watari, incinerate that spoon later!" he ordered, now throwing empty chocolate boxes at the bug.

The conclusion was later drawn that L has lousy aim when he's balancing atop computer chairs, yelling incessantly about bugs…

"It's pet sized!"

"Then why don't we just keep it, Ryuuzaki?" Light asked, shrugging. "Keep it in a glass box, and name it."

"It could be a mascot!" Matsuda declared, "Great idea Light!"

Light and L both shot Matsuda a 'holy fucking hell, did you just say that?!' look; L then turned the same look onto his brunette companion.

"Light-kun," he said, his voice dangerously low; "I hope that it crawls into your room in the dead of night, scuttles onto your bed… Then crawls into your mouth… I then hope you start to chew, and then, in your sleep, think '_Oooh_! This tastes like chicken!' And then you wake up to find bug parts stuck between your perfect teeth, and bug juice drying on your lips… Then I hope it gives you _rabies_!"

Everyone stared dumbstruck at L; not because he had actually threatened Light… but because of what he had threatened Light with. Finally, the boy in question spoke.

"_**EW**_," he grumbled, "Ryuuzaki… that is just _absurd_ and _disgusting_. You are being completely immature about this entire situation, get off the chair before I loose all respect for you."

"Hey… but it wouldn't be all that bad, though… If it's that good of a roach, you know? Since it tastes like chicken and all," Matsuda said, blinking.

"Shut up Matsuda," everyone chorused, L loudest of all. The roach grew closer to his chair, and actually climbed onto one of the wheels.

"KILL IT! USE THE DAMN DEATH NOTE, LIGHT!"

"_What_?!"

"YOU HEARD ME! Write the thing's name down!"

"Why me?!"

"You spawned it!"

Light gaped as Ryuuzaki climbed onto the small desk portion of the computer ledge, the wood creaking slightly under the detective's weight. "What? You're not making sense! It's just a bug!"

"But it's the spawn of Kira! Just use the Death Note! Kill the thing, quickly! It's out to get me, with all its germy-ness! You know what that thing eats?! My sweets, probably!"

"Ryuuzaki, I don't think the Death Note works on anything but humans," Light tried to reason.

"Then conduct a freaking experiment! Use the notebook; it's the only thing that will work! Its name is Nuclear-induced Godzilla-bug!"

"Really, Ryuuzaki…" Light sighed; this was getting really old, really fast. He picked up the Death Note, rolled it into a tube, and smacked the hell out of the roach. After a few whacks, he showed the bug-gut splattered notebook to L. "Happy?"

The man made a face; "Yes, now get it out of my face, Light-kun." He hopped from the counter, sticking his hands into his pocket; "I feel the sudden urge to take a shower. Watari, make sure the floor gets mopped and disinfected thoroughly," he ordered, stalking out his room.

"He's sulking," Matsuda pointed out, after L had left the room.

"He probably is," Watari's voice came from the computer, "He's been like this for as long as I've known him. He's not a fan of bugs; he claims it's because they carry germs and get into sweets… but… "

"He's afraid of them," Light said, carefully setting the bug-carnage covered notebook on the table. "Did you see the entire thing?"

"Unfortunately. It's not the first time he's caused a scene like this."

Light raised his eyebrows, grimacing as he looked in the direction that L had ventured; "Yeah… anyway," he mumbled, now completely uncomfortable.

No one else bothered to say a thing; they were still terrified. In fact, it took them a good week to recover—between Light's constant snickers, Matsuda's stupid comments, and the rest of the team avoiding the detective like the plague, the Kira case was basically put on hold for the week.

_Humans are such strange creatures, _Rem mused, watching from her corner.


End file.
